4 Ways To Raise Your Child Well.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

The key to smart discipline is simple: Set clear expectations upfront for how you want your child to behave. Then it’s up to them to be in control of their actions.

By Robin Westen;

“When you make your expectations clear from the time your children are toddlers, they internalize those expectations and begin to expect the same thing from themselves,” says Sharon K. Hall, Ph.D., author of Raising Kids in the 21st Century.

In other words, since kids are naturally inclined to want to please their parents, they’ll try to behave in the way that you’ve taught them to be independent of parental involvement. In fact, experts say that kids as young as 18 months are empathetic and responsive to their parents’ expectations.

1. Set Firm Rules — and Expect Respect

Kids who believe they can do anything they feel like doing, and get whatever they want, tend to be the ones who act out by whining or throwing a tantrum when their demands aren’t met. “Children who understand that there are well-defined boundaries learn how to self-regulate and to respect limits,” says Hal Runkel, family therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting.

• Tell them why. You don’t have to give your children elaborate explanations for why you expect certain behaviors from them. But if your child understands that there are simple reasons for your rules, he’ll realize they aren’t arbitrary and will be more likely to comply. Tell him, for example, “You need to go to bed at eight o’clock because your body needs a lot of sleep to stay strong and healthy.
• Offer lots of praise. “Whether it’s making the bed, helping set the table, make sure you reinforce rule-following by celebrating your child’s successes,” says Larry J. Koenig, PhD, author of Smart Discipline. Say, “It’s great that you remembered the rule to make your bed. I’m so proud of you. Good job!”
• Follow rules yourself. “Hanging your coat in the closet when you get home, putting your dirty dishes in the sink… doing these things will show children that just as they have rules to follow, so do you,” says Judy Arnall, author of Discipline Without Distress. “When kids see you behaving well, they’ll want to do the same.”
• Cultivate a conscience. If a young child feels bad when he hasn’t followed your rule, don’t immediately try to minimize his discomfort. Feeling a bit of guilt is an essential part of learning to determine right from wrong

2. Build Problem-Solving Skills

One of the major reasons children behave badly is because they feel frustrated and powerless. “When you give children the tools they need to figure things out on their own, they will behave better because they’ll be better equipped to take care of themselves and won’t come screaming to you or act out every time they encounter a challenge,” says Dr. Brooks.

• Let kids make decisions. Give children the opportunity to make choices as soon as they’re old enough to understand. Ask, “Do you want to wear your pajamas or your nightgown?” Once kids can manage these small decisions, keep taking it up a notch higher:
• Encourage a “try again” attitude. “Sure, it’s a lot quicker for you to do everything for them, but it’s important to let kids practice and succeed without your intervention — whether it’s tying their shoes, putting away toys, or sorting socks in the laundry,” says Donna M. Genett, Ph.D., author of Help Your Kids Get It Done Right at Home and at School!
• Make them think things out. Stretch your child’s cognitive skills by challenging him to find answers for himself. For example, when your child asks a question about how to do something, respond with a question of your own: “What do you think you should do?” Such a response will eventually give him confidence in his own ability to figure things out.

3. Help Kids Practice Patience

No one likes to wait, especially young kids. “Developmentally and neurologically it’s difficult because children survive by letting their needs be known immediately,” says Michael Osit, Ed.D., author of Generation Text: Raising Well-Adjusted Kids in the Age of Instant Everything. “That’s why it’s especially important for parents to start teaching patience in the toddler years. You want your kids to develop a tolerance for the feeling of impatience, which is often unpleasant, so they won’t misbehave or act impulsively when faced with that feeling in the future.

• Make them wait. Don’t always drop everything as soon as your child asks for something. “Allow your child to feel the unpleasantness of waiting because it’s a great change agent,” says Dr. Osit. By not giving him the juice immediately, for example, you’ll help him get practice in managing his impatience.
• Engage in activities that promote patience. Encourage your child to do things that don’t offer immediate results, like block building and puzzle-solving, or planting a flower seed and watching it grow over time. “Make sure they’re not only playing with high-tech gadgets that offer instant press-of-a-button results,” suggests Dr. Osit.

4. Put an Emphasis on Empathy

“Children are born believing that the world revolves around them,” says Steven E. Curtis, Ph.D., author of Understanding Your Child’s Puzzling Behavior. “So the sooner you help them understand that everybody has feelings and emotions, the less likely they’ll be to behave in ways that annoy or hurt other people.”

• Celebrate your child’s acts of kindness. “Any time your child shows regard for someone else, you should reinforce his/her inclination with a simple narrative. For example, if you see your child covering her doll with a blanket, say, ‘it was so kind of you to make sure that your dolly is warm and cozy. She must have been very cold.’”
• Help them read body language. Being able to interpret gestures and facial expressions is one of the basic ways that we develop empathy. Give your toddler pointers: “See how Aunt Margaret looked when you shared your cookie with her. Did you notice that she was smiling? You made her feel so good.” Your child may not fully understand at first, but when she does, she’ll be clued into other people’s reactions — and better able to notice how her own behavior can affect others.

Finally, a word of caution: You aren’t going to be able to teach your children to discipline themselves overnight. No doubt there will be times when they misbehave. “They are kids, after all,” But if you continue to focus on these messages, sooner or later the lessons will sink in. As they do, your well-behaved child will need less and less intervention from you.

Credit: www.parents.com